What Do You Need?
The image above is better explained in the video, it’s long so very hard to read here. But, I always want these videos to come with a letter. A write up.
The flow chart shows a breakdown in relationships due to normal reactions to cranky behavior. We have three actors, Red, Green, Blue. Three people who work together and, because they do, need to pay attention to each other even when people aren’t really up for being social.
Sometimes you have a bad day. I’ve been “Red” many times. A morning when everything broke. Coffee spills. Bad news. My mood shattered. I showed up to Green’s desk with frustration wrapped around a request, demanding (not asking) what I needed because everything sucked.
Or I’ve been Green, absorbing someone else’s stress like a sponge. Then complaining to others. And somehow, venting didn’t help me “get over it”, it convinced me that Red was a problem. Not a person needing help, but a problem.
Or I’ve been blue… getting that third-party stress from someone complaining about someone else, making me think less of both of them.
So this is also learned helplessness. But it’s not imposed on us from outside or a boss or power. We create it for each other, one interaction at a time.
What Do You Need?
Watch the video. Red’s fractured mood arrives at Green’s desk (or slack or zoom or whatever). At this point, we have a choice. We as the person receiving the frustrated person, have a choice. We choose to absorb the stress and pass it along, and the cycle plays out. Infecting Blue with second hand toxicity. Blue never sees Red. Blue only sees Green’s complaint.
But what if Green pauses?
What if, instead of reflecting frustration back, Green asks: How can I help? Not transactionally. Actually. Green doesn’t absorb the stress. Green breaks the cycle. Red gets what they need. Green stays human. Blue never hears the warning. The cascade stops.
It won’t solve everything. But it stops the compounding.
What Do You Need?
People are more stressed now than ten years ago. That’s observable. The uncertainty feels relentless because it is systemic, embedded in popular culture, how we work, how we communicate. We can’t control the stress arriving at Red’s door.
But we can control what we do when stressed Red shows up at our desk.
This is where humane work begins. Not in frameworks or org charts, but in the moment when someone approaches you fractured, and you choose presence over transaction. When you ask, “What do you need?” and actually listen.
What Do You Need?
I know you see yourself in this. The roles are interchangeable. But our reactions, are changeable.
The next time this happens, regardless of where you are in the cycle, pause. Ask the question. Actually listen.
Because that’s how we break it. Not through grand declarations, but through the small, repeated choice to turn toward someone else with genuine care.
The rest will follow.
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